Expert advice on handling Christmas as a divorced or separated parent
Handling Christmas can be challenging at the best of times, but if you are dealing with it as a divorced or separated parent, it can be especially testing. Self-help separation website, Splitting Up advises parents to be as flexible as possible with holiday arrangements, but what else can you do to manage what can often be a difficult time of year for divorced or separated parents?
Plan early
If you are already divorced, then you may have a Child Arrangement order in place that includes plans for Christmas and other holidays. This may mean you have the children with you on the day, or it could mean you are splitting time, or not having your children at all this year. If you don't have plans in place, then start discussions as early as you can with the aim of getting them finalised before potential conflict occurs. Having plans agreed on means children don’t need to become involved in discussions or worry about what is happening.
Avoid competition
By nature, divorces are adversarial. Even if you have opted for a no-fault divorce, holidays like Christmas can bring about different emotions and highlight differences of opinion about who children should spend their time with and on what days. Avoid becoming competitive with your ex-spouse. Compromises usually win in divorces, and the same goes for the future of separated parents with children. It’s the same for presents too. Trying to ‘win’ children’s favour with parents never usually works and it can cause long-lasting arguments beyond Christmas and the New Year.
Don’t criticise the other parent
Unfortunately, some divorces leave ex-spouses feeling resentful towards each other long after things have been finalised. Badmouthing a parent can make children feel less close to you, and it puts them in an awkward spot. Although you may have an axe to grind with their other parent, children want to enjoy their time with both of you at Christmas. If your child asks about the other parent and there is an opportunity to criticise, try to take the higher moral ground and swerve the conversation. Although children may be curious, they will thank you in the long run for not inviting them into a conflict with two parents they care about.
Consider extended family
Although you don’t want your children to feel overwhelmed with plans at Christmas, wider family members such as grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins will want to spend time with your children too, on both sides of the family. Remember that the time your ex has with the children will need to be enough to include visiting the extended family as well. Grandparents often provide unconditional love for their grandchildren which helps them feel secure and safe. It is only natural that children will want to see them too over the festive period. Bear this in mind when you are making your plans.
Give yourself a break
Christmas can be a demanding time. Juggling work commitments, social engagements, buying presents, and fretting over child arrangements can be overwhelming. Don’t forget to factor your own needs in too. Try to strike a balance between booking in time to see friends who you can unwind and relax with, while not over-committing to activities that will leave you feeling burned out.
Finally
Christmas is a time when children will probably want to spend time with both parents as naturally and as carefree as possible. Focus on the fun of Christmas and don’t overload your children with arrangements and plans that can stifle the joy.
