I've decided my life really is too short for regrets

I’ve found myself thinking about things I take for granted recently, writes our blogger, Ali.

As I write that, I realise that in that one sentence I have both started and concluded my blog. I mean, if I am thinking about them now, I can hardly claim to be taking them for granted, can I? Oh well – short and sweet. View this saved time as a reward for getting through my other musings!

As if you would get off that lightly! No, you’re here for the duration so here goes.

I guess the first thing that made me think about it was joining a sign language club at my work. We have a number of deaf colleagues and one of my relatives is deaf so it’s something I have meant to do for years and finally I have started doing something about it.

So yes, it started me thinking about how I take my hearing for granted. Now this is something I haven’t always taken for granted as I have some slight hearing loss in one ear.

As usual in my life, the cause of this is kind of odd – in my early 20s I suddenly lost all balance and couldn’t hear in one ear. It turned out to be chicken pox and yes, can you believe, before the rash came up anywhere I got a pock (?) in my ear!

This seemed to have a degenerative effect and there was some concern that it may deteriorate further and so briefly I worried that I would lose all hearing in one ear. Bizarrely I can remember worrying that I wouldn’t be able to hear music properly. Anyhow, back to the signing club where we were told that we weren’t allowed to use our voices at all for the whole time.

This was hugely daunting but also brilliant. For once, there really was an even playing field for everyone in the room. And the effect this had was that we mimed our way through ridiculous conversations and got over our embarrassment. And I realised that actually what I took for granted as a hearing person was not just the music side, but also the chit chat and interaction that is so easy when you can hear.

I hadn’t chatted with my deaf colleagues about nonsense before. Whereas with others I would know about their lives, gently mock their terrible fashion sense, discuss tv programmes and generally talk about inconsequential stuff, with him and others my conversations would always have a point. Like I had saved up all my efforts for that one question and could do no more. How awful is that?

The next thing to happen was that I sprained my ankle. I wish I could blame the snow and ice but actually I fell out of my friend’s house and misjudged the uneven step. That’s my story and I am sticking to it. Wine involved? As if! Anyhow, the result has been that I am in pain a week on and I can’t walk fast so I have become one of those dawdlers on the underground that I despise. Stairs are really painful so I have gone from walking up and down escalators as standard to standing “on the right” and using lifts.

And the distance that I walk in one day has shocked me. All of a sudden, I weigh up everything according to whether I feel I can get there. Another list of things not to take for granted.

The last one is the biggie really. It’s one I’ve avoided writing about for around a month.

You see, two weeks before Christmas, my beautiful Gran died. It had been coming for some time and she had a wonderful and long life. In fact, long doesn’t adequately describe it. Let’s just say that she had multiple cards from the Queen.

Anyhow, weirdly because she was so old I feel that until it was clear she was dying, I had begun to take it for granted that she would always be there. She had previously fallen down stairs, got pneumonia, had shingles and survived so what could possibly kill her?

A lot of my denial came from our closeness. I struggle to think of anyone else that has given me the same unconditional love that she gave me. In lots of ways I was lucky. I had the time to see her, hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. But her death has left me with a huge hole in my world and I have spent a lot of time thinking about the times I could have spent with her but had other, supposedly more important, things to do.

I guess from all this, I am learning to stop and smell the roses a bit more. Life can change in an instant and I don’t want to waste it with what ifs. So from here on in, I am all about attacking each day and seizing the opportunities life gives me. I’m not sure how long this new, grateful, positive person will last, but I’m going to give it a go anyhow. Life really is too short for regrets.